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Wednesday, August 30th, 2006
12:58 pm - Line Of Fire
I seriously doubt that there is a single male over the age of fifteen who has been in a relationship that has not experienced the sensation that they are living in the direct line of fire.  This is especially true with married couples.  Most husbands live in fear, at some level, of the wrath of the spouse.  Such anger far and away exceeds the anguish of a root canal without anesthesia.  In fact, most would prefer the root canal.  While I have made a effort not to fall into such stereotypical characterizations, as of this morning I surrender.  I give in. I give up!

My rationale for this was the simple fact that my wife came into our bedroom between 6:00 and 7:00 AM, while I was perfectly content to sleep for another hour or so, intent on having a discussion with me.  As a general rule I don't mind having a discussion, even if it is a "discussion" type of discussion.   Another general rule is that I don't talk to anyone, and no one talks to me, before I have my first cup of coffee.  Doing so would surely necessitate a body count.   As soon as my wife was convinced I was sufficiently awake to form coherent sentences she hit me with the "we need to talk."  At that precise moment I knew I was dead in the water, there was not reason to fight it, that I should politely surrender to save face (and any remnant of my ass).  This was not only before my coffee it was also prior to my first cigarette of the day (coffee and cigarette make for a delicious breakfast).  I had no option open to me than to agree that we needed to talk.

Wife wasted no time in getting to the heart of the matter.  Her opening salvo was to basically accuse me of having an affair (either in person or via the internet).  I was taken completely off guard.  This was not what I expected the subject matter of the discussion to be in the least.  Yet, here it was and now I had to deal with it.   I quickly collected what few brain cells that were relatively functioning and formulated a response to the accusation.  My rejoinder was that I could unequivocally state, without the least reservation, that I was not having an affair with anyone, of either sex.  That seemed to put that topic to rest with quickness!  

Still this didn't end the conversation.  My wife then got to the heart of the matter, the real  reason for this exercise.  Her concern was that she was being taken (implication, by me) down a path, to the edge of the abyss, and she didn't want to go there.  I reminded her that in the beginning I was emphatic that I wouldn't force her to go someplace where she wasn't comfortable.  This evidently wasn't the cause for the conversation.  It finally came down to the fact that she was not comfortable with the element of uncertainty that is associated with our relationship - as if I'm going to dance out the door with some other guy and leave her hanging.  I believed we had addressed that issue when I agreed to stay in the relationship.

Her concern was her having to live with someone whose loyalties, if not personality, are divided among two opposing positions.  I noted that I hadn't found an instructional manual for any of this and that I was flying by the seat of my pants when it came to navigating our relationship.  The one thing that I am sure of is that occurrences such as this morning are not helping matters.  It doesn't help either when dear wife insists that I should be content with the situation in situ.  I am not going to be content and satisfied with what I consider to be less than acceptable.  I've done that a lot in my life, I was trained to do that from a young age.  I'm not going to do it any more.  If I had been inclined previously to go looking for another relationship then instances such as this would certainly be adding fuel to the fire.  I'n not looking.

A somewhat of a sidebar issue was that she felt I was still being too private.  At this juncture I am beginning to believe that I could sit at home all day with her and still get accused of being too private.  I don't feel that there is ever going to be any resolution to this question, no matter how hard I try to convince, both by word and deed,  he to the contrary.

I'm getting the feeling deep down inside that it is time for me to get my name off the residence and give the property to my wife en toto, no strings attached.  Doing this would surely cut any physical bond that I might have - emotional ones are a different matter all together.  Once again my feeling of being a stranger in my own house has been reinforced.  As much as I would like to entertain the notion that there is someone (male) out there with whom I could live out the remainder of my life, I seriously doubt that would ever be a reality.  That I will have close male friends is a surety.  Will I be emotionally and sexually involved with another male I dont' know - it's not my plan.

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Friday, August 25th, 2006
6:07 pm - Royal Realm Residence
For as long as I can remember I have heard the old adage that a man's home is his castle.  Now, to my understanding, if that was true, that would imply that the male has certain inalienable rights to exercise authority within the confines of the four walls of his abode.  W R O N G ! ! !  Nothing could be farther from the truth and I have the evidence to prove it.  This is one of those snake-bite-gotchas perpetrated by your friends.  Remember when all your single friends got married and then touted the bliss of the marital state.  So you got married and after the honeymoon period wore off, and you had finished checking your spouse out every night, you realized that you were just as miserable as your friends were.  The next big lie was how great it is to have children.  No it isn't!  They are demanding, self-centered, greedy, noisy, abhorrently noisy creatures that need to be kept locked away from polite society.  The third myth is that once you walk through the front door you are automatically, mystically elevated to the status of royalty whose wish is the very command for everyone in the family.

It is to this last piece of misinformation that I would like to address a few observations.  In the way of background, four of the seven grand children are living with us, in addition to the two children that belong there.  While I have tried to keep at least a modest lid on things I have noticed that the situation is changing, and I'm not sure for the best.  The two oldest (teenagers) are after each other on a near constant basis, picking, harassing, name-calling, button pushing, and all.  The turmoil they cause would be sufficient to make even the highest paragon of virtuous sanity a blathering idiot.  This doesn't even take in to consideration the two youngest grand daughters who are like little stinging bugs continually at you with a never ending stream of "look here", "can I...", "I want..."; not to mention they are always swarming around you like a pack of sharks moving in for the kill.

This doesn't take in to consideration that no one, including myself, seems to be able to pick up after themselves.  Now I admit to being an offender; I stack things on any vacant flat surface.  The grand children won't even make an effort to clean up the floor after themselves and I have to walk in to an absolute sty.  If this is a castle then the peasants are revolting!  The bad part of all this is that they have no idea that they need to clean up after themselves.  You couldn't give them $ 1.00, send them to Wal-Mart to buy 3 clues for a dollar and come by with any at all.

My wife is right.  I have given up on the house and everything (and maybe most everyone) in it.  I have no desire to fix the many little things that are in various states of disrepair, not to mention the big ticket items like the roof and foundation.  I know i should be more involved and concerned but I just can't bring myself to that point.  I feel that even if I did get that excited about fixing up the residence I would be the only one so inclined and within an hour after repairing something it would be broken again.  So, my castle is falling down around my ears, I really could care less, and the peasants are revolting!  I must be the monarch of a petty kingdom somewhere in the Third World at this rate.  It seems as though I have the house of Dorian Gray - the inhabitants don't age, just the house falls apart!  Abdication is looking like a viable alternative.

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Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
6:17 pm - Conundrum
What follows sounds sick, even to me, and I'm the one going through all this crap!  Consider yourself warned.

Ever since I informed my wife that I was intent on staying with her and trying to make the marriage work for both of us she has been nothing short of phenomenal.  First, she has gone the extra mile to understand (where I was coming from) and understanding.  She has taken the time to educate herself on many matter gay.  In a few instances she has been able to "out gay" me which is pretty hard if I am as flaming as she contends I am.  Most important of all is the fact that she has demonstrated, in both word and deed, that she truly, honestly, unreservedly, unconditionally loves me.  

It is this last little fact that is driving me crazy in a big way!  I never had anything like this happen before, and certainly not like this.  I am absolutely convinced that John loved me as much as I did him.  I trust that he was speaking the truth when he said he loved me with all his heart and soul unconditionally.  No one had ever said those words to me, not once in my life.  When John and I parted and went our separate ways I was assured that I would never experience such unalloyed love again.  I sealed my emotions inside me, burying them deep.  Along comes my wife and, unqualified, states that she loves me to the same extent that John did - absolutely without condition.  Why was this happening to me?  And why now?  I was prepared to live out my days in an emotional situation similar to the Cold War.  But no!  My wife goes off the deep end and throws everything off balance with her new-found respect and newly expressed abiding love for me.  Such a pronouncement I was not prepared for in the least.  I still can't quite believe that this is happening to me.  I have the nagging suspicion that somehow, somewhere, sometime the rug is going to be pulled out from under me.  I suppose I intellectually understand that my wife is an honest person and speaks the truth - especially about something so important as her feeling for me.  However, I can't seem to get over all those years when not being loved was a way of life and self-preservation.  If you don't love another person then you can't be hurt by anyone.  Or so went that thought train.

Ever since I put up the "Want vs Need" entry I have been giving the situation a great deal of serious thought.  Being able to distinguish between the two, I believe, will make life a lot easier.  Needs are those things that need to get taken care of for existence to continue.  Wants are the icing on the cake; they are not necessary like needs but are damn nice when you can get them.  One of the needs I have identified for myself, one which is just as much a want, is to be able to have a meaningful relationship with another man.  I find that I am more comfortable with and can trust fuller another male.  I am finding it harder and harder not to seriously search for such a relationship.  To show how bad it has become, my wife and I went to the library to do some genealogical research.  While pouring over old phone books two gentlemen come in to do some research of their own.  It was obvious that they were a couple.  They sat down near us and I could overhear some of their conversation.  The longer I listened the madder I found myself getting.  This was anything but a case of homophobia - just the opposite.  I was mad at them because they had a relationship that should have been mine and, as far as I was concerned, were flaunting it merely to rub my nose in it.  I had to leave and go grab a cigarette to calm down.  Once outside I quickly realized how really sick I had become.  Instead of celebrating their relationship I found myself begrudging them anything resembling happiness.  How sick can I be?  Don't answer that!  I already have.  And I didn't like the answer one little bit.

An additional aspect in all this mess is the fact that I am terribly sensitive to the suggestion of having to do with less that what I want.  Growing up my mother developed this code "You should be happy with what you've got." to signalize that whatever I wanted wasn't going to materialize.  Granted, like any other kid, I would go off the deep end of want occasionally and I can see her redirecting me to more profitable directions (something she never did successfully).  But to categorically negate my feelings in the matter was not right.  What it has done, over the years, is to be a red flag issue that will get my hackles up quicker than anything else.  If I am a human being, with certain inalienable rights, then I should have access to a degree of happiness just the same as everybody else.  I should not have to settle for something less than satisfactory or "sloppy seconds."  My wife inadvertently made one of those "you should be happy with what you got" comments and I responded in kind.  I said that I do not have to stay with her, that there is nothing forcing me to remain.  The reason I stay is because I want to and I am not going to be happy with my situation if that situation isn't satisfactory to me.  I was upset and ready to tussle over this.  Later in the evening my wife said that she thought the reason I was in such a "foul temper" was that I was looking for a way out the door.  I quickly fired back that wasn't the case.  However, on further reflection, I wonder if she isn't right to a certain degree.  Statistics state that some 80% of all mixed orientation marriages end in divorce.  Am I working myself up to that?  Am I trying to sabotage, unconsciously, our relationship?  Then, what kind of relationship do we have?   I continually come back to the fact that there is no "how to" instruction manual for this.  I am so winging things!

What I have seemingly created is a hydra of epic proportions.  While I do love my wife, I am not at all sure that I can reciprocate her commensurate with her love for me.  The fact that this relationship does not seem to be a situation of equals troubles me.  My wife says she understands and has, on several occasions, stated that she knows I can't love her the way she loves me.  I'm not that convinced that this can continue for very long.  As much as I don't want to cause my wife any further pain, agony, or grief I have a real sinking feeling that if I am swept off my feet by Mr. Right I wouldn't throw in the towel and walk.  Neither do I desire to live the rest of my life with these feelings I have mostly unsatisfied.   Therein is the rub, the Gordian knot, the conundrum.  And I'm nowhere near being an Alexandar the Great.

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Saturday, August 19th, 2006
12:25 am - When Want vs Need
It has to be one of the greatest, and hardest to accept, ironies of life that what you want is rarely what you need.  We all think that we know what we need and what is best for us.  Our perception  rarely matches the reality of the situation.  While the Rolling Stones have never been known for their deep philosophical insights (sometime sight was a lot to ask) I have found a profound significance in their lyrics -

No, you can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
You can't always get what you want
But if you try sometime you find
You get what you need

This brings us to the crux of the matter.  For the past few days I have been struggling emotionally with putting to bed a long-over relationship so I can get along with living in the here and now.  While this relationship was a major part of my "coming out" to my wife, I had never thoroughly worked through some of the residual issues left in its wake.  While none of this was news to me, as I had covered this territory more than once when the relationship ended, additional information has come to the fore that casts events in somewhat a new light.  My love, my first real love, died either at the tail end of the first great HIV/AIDS victims or during the inception of the second wave.  I was pleased to learn that he finally found someone to love, and who could love him, in ways we never could at that time.  I was comforted that he had as strong emotions about our relationship as I did and that he had considered my feelings when he ended it.  I found it interesting that he understood the very characteristics and attributes that first drew us to each other, then melded us tightly together, contained in them the seeds of the ultimate demise of the relationship, which sent us catapulting our separate ways.  The last bit of information, which has been the most difficult to assimilate and accept, was his request that I be happy.

Happy?  Me!?  I seriously doubt it.  There have been so few times in my life that I could say I was genuinely happy that I probably wouldn't recognize it until it had passed.  The longest sustained period was the time I spent with my love and lover.

So, what does all this have to do with the lyrics?  Precisely this - even though I didn't get what I wanted (namely John) I did get my wife who, in many respects, reminds me of my love.  Because of her, I am completely convinced, I dodged the HIV/AIDS bullet that struck down not only my love but others I have known.  Because of her I am still among the living; otherwise, I would have done myself in from drugs and alcohol a long time ago.  Because of her I am now a father, a grandfather, and great grandfather.  Because of her real love for me I am now able to work on becoming the person I know I can be.  Because of her perceptive understanding my sexual orientation is not a matter of concern - rather maintaining our relationship as a married couple is paramount.  My "what you want" would be to never have fallen in love with my wife, to never have gotten married, and to never have allowed us to become so fundamentally bound together as we have.  John used to say we were two bodies sharing one soul.  This is also true of my relationship with my wife.  I don't relate well with women on an intimate basis.  I know how to satisfy another man.  I am reluctant to allow that depth of relationship with a woman.  My preference in the matter would to have found a man who I could love, who could love me, and settle down with him to make our life together.

Such was obviously not the case.  The "what you need" kicked in first and provided accordingly.  By most measures of success (excluding financial) I have what most people strive to achieve.  I have a person intimately involved in my life who truly, honestly, genuinely, without reserve or reservation, unconditionally loves me, probably to the point of her detriment.  In this respect I am sincerely blessed and am profoundly thankful.  My greatest sadness is that I am not able to return that love.  This is not to say that I don't love my wife - I certainly do.  And, I have the greatest degree of respect for her.  In spite of the fact that I have been more open and trusting of her, especially of late, than with any other female (and most males) I am not equipped to reciprocate her love either at the level or intensity which she has displayed for me.  If I was to attribute this emotional deficit to any one thing it would be to the fact that I am only really comfortable being intimate with another man.  While I am sincerely trying to keep a monogamous relationship, and my wife is doing everything she can to insure that our relationship is satisfying for us both, I am finding it harder and harder to maintain.  Having a relationship with another male is just as much a need for me as it is a want.  However, I do not intend to press the issue of an "open" marriage as that would not be fair either to my wife or my potential lover.  Also, I am not into one-nigh-stand extramarital affairs.  The simple fact of the matter is that for whatever reason I am emotionally wired to have single partner relationships.  That rules out a lot of possible options.

I have no ready answer for this conundrum.  I don't think there is an easy one either.  I shall persevere, give the current situation my all, and see what happens.  There is always tomorrow and new options!

                                                

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Thursday, August 17th, 2006
12:41 pm - Bedtime Stories
As anyone who has ever had, or had to deal with, children on a consistent basis will know full well the implications of the term "bedtime stories."  It is most certainly a ritual that is still carried on in many families, that time when parents can positively interact with children, not having to discipline or correct their behaviors.  Both children and parents tend to look forward to these periods of intimacy.  And, as with many other things dealing with parenting, when the children grow up to the point that  they are out longer than you can stay awake bedtime stories seem to go by the wayside.  Usually they are replaced with tales the morning after related at the breakfast table.

While my wife and I never really got in to the habit of the bedtime story with any regularity, most often due to the fact that when the kids finally collapsed they were out for the duration, we did enjoy it when the kids could stay awake long enough.  And, with the passage of time, we have gotten out of the habit.  Just recently have we been making a conscious effort to take some time in the evening for ourselves, to be alone with each other, and to talk.  Both of us have found this to be a valuable asset to our relationship in that by so doing we are able to clear signals with each other better and discuss anything that has been a problem in an environment that isn't confrontational.

Last night, after everyone had gone to sleep and the house was quiet, we laid in bed enjoying the absolute sound of silence and being close to each other.  It was my wife who took the opportunity to ask if I was sleepy.  I have learned this is a sure sign that she wants to talk about something serious and important.  I was surprised at the subject under discussion; it certainly wasn't from the list of usual culprits.  She stated that she has noticed that our relationship had changed in the last couple of months - and it was for the better.  She noted that while we had always had satisfying sex on a dependable basis previously, now it was something much more intense and fulfilling.  She also noted that over the ensuing months she had come to a new, deeper appreciation of me as a person.  She said that she hadn't realized it before but I had become an integral part of her life, that we were truly connected at a level that transcends the merely physical.  Her final comment was that she thought of me in a completely different way and wondered why this was.

At first I was speechless, which is a unique occurrence in itself.  When I collected my composure I said that it was my feeling that our relationship had become much more passionate, honest, and open since my coming out.  Now neither one of us had anything to hide, nothing to defend.  We could legitimately be vulnerable in the others company safely.  I also told her that my feelings for her had fundamentally changed as well.  I noted that whereas previously it was not a matter of not loving her, I always have.  It was a matter of respecting her.  Now that she is making a tremendous effort to see that this relationship works for both of us over the long haul I had the greatest degree of respect for her.  Additionally, I remarked that sex and passion were wasted on the young as they were completely unable to fully appreciate either one.

So this was my bedtime story.  While there were no flaming dragons (only husband) to contend with and no beautiful princess to be rescued by a handsome knight, it had to be the best tale I had ever heard and will remember (and cherish) it always!

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Wednesday, August 16th, 2006
1:19 pm - Notes From The Edge
I've noticed for the last few days that I have been feeling slightly out of phase with the rest of phenomenal existence.  It isn't that I mind being out of sync with everybody else.  It's rather nice in fact.  However, communication is a real messy deal.  I hear exactly what you are saying but it is getting processed at a different rate than you are speaking so if what you say demands an answer then I may very well make an incorrect response.  There is certainly a time lag involved for which I have yet to find a satisfactory resolution.

Part of this phase shifting that has been occurring I dare say is due in no small part in my wife's attempt to put together my personal (aka gay) history.  It is not bad enough that she is doing everything in her power, and then some, to locate what happened to the person I lived with, who was my first "real" love.  That has bothered my to no end.  I find myself mentally slipping between the "then" and the "now", and having all the emotional consequences of each.  This roller coaster effect has been difficult for me to adjust to, and to deal with in a constructive, non-emotional-basket-case way.  In many respects I had buried deeply this part of my life for this specific reason, i.e., the emotions were as deep as the hole I put them in.  After all these years, here I am dealing with these emotions all over again.

To add a seeming insult to a presumed injury, dear wife is not taking after the two guys I lived with when I was in college in San Antonio.  These two people are as dear and as close to me as if they were blood kin.  They were the ones that taught me the meanings of the word "family."  They quickly became my older brothers and we bonded with each other as if we were long lost relatives.  They were also the ones who instructed me in the meaning of family in its gay sense.  When they left for Europe I was supposed to follow them within six months.  As things worked out that didn't happen, for whatever reason, and here I am.  Where they are I haven't a clue - and I really don't want one either.  

While I have loved John, Deryck, and Kenyon with all my heart and soul I would prefer to leave them where they belong - in my past as fond and loving memories.  Unfortunately, I don't think that is in the cards.  My wife, if nothing else, is tenacious and will work this until there is no other way to work it.  Seeing that she is doing all this investigative work for my benefit I really don't have the heart to tell her to stop.  She believes that she might have found one or two of the individuals in question of the national AIDS memorial quilt.  I have conditioned her search on the replies from several sources, if they have no viable information then she will quit.  I pray she remembers that small fact.

Changing subjects.  I really don't mind carpooling except this week has been hard.  The person I carpool with is on vacation which means that my wife has to drive me to work and then come get me in the evening.  That wouldn't necessarily be a problem.  The wrinkle comes in the fact that she has made appointments for the grand children at the same time I have to be at work.  Therefore, to insure everyone gets to where they need to be in a timely manner, I have been going in to work early.  Upside - I'm probably going to take part of the day off Friday to keep me out of overtime.  Downside - I'm here earlier than usual and I'm having an allergic reaction to it.  Knowing my luck by the time I get accustomed to this new schedule my ride will get back and things will change all over again.  So goes my life.

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Tuesday, August 15th, 2006
2:32 pm - Thoughts On The Fly
I just took a look at a few of the posts I have made to this journal over the months.  I am surprised at the sheer number and, for the most part, am impressed with the consistent standard of writing.  I am also amazed at the range of emotions and topics covered in them.  It seems as though the journal has served its purpose quite well, namely providing a on-going snapshot of my life and what is happening in it at any given moment.

Currently, I can't complain too much about my situation.  Things on the family front appear to be swimming along nicely.  The impending visit of the Voodoo Doctor from Texas on Labor Day weekend isn't exactly the most comforting prospect, though I am sure she will be on best behavior the whole time.  She was the person who, when my wife disclosed my coming out to her, said that my wife and I should not be sleeping in the same bed (together), and probably not in the same house.  Gee, so much for charity of spirit and understanding.  I fully realize that our friend had only my wife's best interests in mind but her advice sucked big green ones.  Suffice it to say, my wife and I have decided to make what adjustments are necessary in our relationship to take into consideration the changes and to go from there.  So far, I can't complain that much about our relationship.  If I can work this whole situation to my advantage I'll be able to take off for Kansas City, visit some friends, and have a refreshing time away from everyone.

One of the main reasons for going to Kansas City, other than for the enjoyment of seeing old friends again, is that I have known and worked with  the husband for a number of years and felt that I had a good handle on the person's personality.  My initial, and continuing, impression was that he was a geek, but a basically harmless geek.  I was shocked when, in a phone call to my work, he started to go off on gays.  He was saying things like he can tell a gay individual from a distance as he gets sick in the pit of his stomach every time he gets near a gay person.  And this was the milder of the comments.  He and his wife have been over to our house on several occasions.  I have worked in close proximity to him for more than a few years and I never knew him to have an adverse reaction to my presence.  Problem is they left town before I came out.  Therefore, I feel impelled to go and "straighten" things out with him and let him know that his gaydar ain't all that good if he missed me.  I thoroughly well realize that I might be putting a good friendship on the line here, but I feel that he has to get a better understanding of the issues involved with sexual orientation.  If he throws me out - so be it.  At least I would have tried, and that is what matters to me.

Not much else noteworthy is happening, much less on the horizon.  My wife is plying her trade of finding dead people with a vengeance and vehemence uncommon for her (though her tenacity is most customary), specifically because she is trying to locate what happened to the person I lived with years ago and where he is buried.  She has pulled out all the stops on this one.  She has made contact with the most diverse set of resources imaginable.  She has people willingly offering to research the death records in Cook County, Chicago, Illinois.  I must admit to having very mixed (and often conflicting) emotions about this.  At times I feel that I would give almost anything to find out what happened to him.  At others it is all I can do not to completely break down and become an emotional basket case.  This search has truly stirred some emotions that  I thought long dead.  What is worse is that they are almost as strong as they were the day we parted and went our separate ways.  So much time between us; so much water under my bridge; so many things left unsaid.  I'm not sure at all if I'm up to all this.  I would prefer she leave well enough alone but it has now become a challenge and she won't surrender until there is no other option available.  I guess, in a weird way, she doesn't find him.  And, I wish her luck in locating him.

So much for life from the edge of sanity.

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Monday, August 14th, 2006
2:30 pm - Dry Run For Living In Hell
As much as I would like to delude myself into thinking that I can take just about anything life can throw at me, because I'm tough, my delusional behavior was brought to a screaming halt this weekend.   I have come to the obvious conclusion that I like my creature comforts!  The air conditioning went out Sunday and life at El Rancho Cucuracha went to unbearable.

The temperature outside broke 100 degrees while the temperature in the house was an easy 90!  No number for fans running at full blast was going to do anything to improve the situation.  As the temperature rose the ability of those trapped in the residential over to cope constructively with life declined logarithmically.  I tried to get a bit of rest, seeing that I was working on a deliciously painful sinus headache, without success.  The harder I tried to get some sleep the worse the heat became.  Having a fan blow right on me didn't assist in diminishing the heat factor at all.  I quickly found myself laying in bed in a lovely pool of my own sweat.  This was not working for me in the least.

Later in the evening a friend came by and we went to go visit a mutual friend who has been quite ill recently and is preparing to travel to Tennessee for a family reunion.  The best part of the whole experience was being able to sit in a cool house and enjoy the temperature, which was substantially lower than it was outside.  I was a tad reluctant to leave and get back to the house.  I figured that I had fried enough for one day.  The house had become a sauna in every respect and sitting, watching TV while sweating my ears off was not a thrilling idea.

I somehow generated this really mistaken notion that when the sun went down the temperature would drop and the house would mercifully cool down.  This did not materialize.  For the better part of the night I tossed and turned, not getting comfortable and certainly not get cool.  There have been nights when I didn't sleep, occasionally due to sickness, sometimes because of excitement about activities the following day, and every now and then just because.  Last night was one of the worst nights I have ever had the misfortune to spend in a terrifically long time.  To make matters worse my wife abandoned the bed, headed out to the office where there was air conditioning and spent the night on the computer.

Now I know there is a God in Heaven and that He loves me.  We were able to contact the a/c repairman and he got the system back up and running at a relatively cheap price.  Blessed relief.  At least I can look forward to going home and sleeping in a nice, cool house instead of the sweltering heat.

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Friday, August 11th, 2006
2:07 pm - Missing Information
Its Friday!  We've made it through another week, and the century mark temperatures have broken (at least for a day or two) and we are only getting highs in the 90s.  Fortunately, this week hasn't been particularly difficult - leastwise emotionally.  As a matter of fact things have been better than they have been in a while.  My wife and I are eagerly exploring our new relationship with some interesting, and satisfying, results.  Life appears to be on a fairly even keel and I am waiting for all Hell to break loose.  Things can't go along this well for very long, not without some drama or trauma.

Having said that I must admit there was a bit of a crater along the way to Friday, which happened last night.  My wife picked me up from work and we went out to dinner sans benefit of children or grand children.  Part of the dinner conversation was what had transpired at my wife's therapy session.  She stated that they had talked about how she could understand, "on a visceral level", the thrill and sexual component of what people like Jeffery Dommer do.  She also delineated her belief that she could do this as a result of her experiences of childhood abuse.  

While it all made perfect sense to me I have no mental framework, no conceptual construct, on which to hang this realization of hers, not at all.  Even though I had to deal with a mother who was functionally physically, psychologically, and emotionally isolated, especially from me, I could not imagine why a person would engage in these types of behaviors, especially if the professed to "love" his victims.  What horrified me the most was the absolute cold, dispassionate, and clinical approach she took toward the subject matter.  It didn't help matters that she was surprised at my reaction, namely one of complete discomfort.  Also, she sincerely believed we had talked about this before.  We had covered this territory in a precursory manner much earlier but nothing in this depth, and certainly nothing as complete as this.

I tried to explain to my wife why it was bothering me the way it was, but with little success.  I took several hours for us to come to a mutually satisfying resolution to this issue.  When she used the analogy of "coming out", and coming to terms with, this aspect of her personality everything suddenly made sense.  Put in that light I could start to make sense out of what she was saying and begin to process the information.  

My biggest gripe in all this is that my wife has a real propensity to do this type of thing.  She does not preparatory work, she doesn't warn people about incoming comments that might distress.  As long as I have lived with the woman I have yet to understand why she does this.  At this stage of the game I am more in to resignation and reluctant acceptance.

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Thursday, August 10th, 2006
11:32 am - Being Out-gayed
On more than one occasion, and in more than one blog, I have commented on what it meant to me, and to some of those around me, to "officially" come out.  This was not the first time I had done this.  The singular difference is that I was not married with children, grand children, and great grand child back then.  The only one I had to concern myself with was me.  This time through the tables were completely turned.  It seemed that there was an absolute host of people to think about before doing or saying anything.  I finally distilled the number down to a short list of individuals who would be directly effected.  From that list I prioritized as to who to tell first, second, third, etc.

I was prepared for the worst.  I had heard all the horror stories about coming out to friends and family, and even knew a few of the victims first hand.  It wasn't that I was somehow going into this blindly and blissfully ignorant.  Quite the opposite.  Therefore, it was not without a great degree of trepidation that I screwed my courage to the sticking point and informed my wife of this small bit of information.  Much to my shock, and deep admiration, she didn't go off the deep end like I expected.  Rather, she was most understanding and compassionate, especially in regards to my emotions.  She accepted my statement of sexual orientation in an almost clinical fashion.  This does not mean that she didn't shed her fair share of tears over all this - she most certainly did, except they were in private (for the most part).  The general consensus of responses from my friends has been an underwhelming "So, its about time."  None of the horrendous consequences everyone hears about has yet to happen.  Everyone who I have confided in has been understanding and supportive in the extreme.  What I thought would be nothing short of traumatic, on the contrary, has been amazingly easy.  A fact for which I will be eternally grateful to say the least.

With the passage of time, and my becoming more and more involved with the gay community, my wife has made a great effort to readjust her point of view to be able to see things from my vantage point.  She has, in her usual tenacious fashion when on a "mission from God", thrown herself into finding out as much as she can about being gay/bi-sexual, the implications of sexual orientation on the individual, etc.  In a way she has also become a bit of an activist in her own right for gay issues.  This is truly a turn for the better seeing that a year ago she still had not completely psychologically and emotionally come to terms with the situation, and the ramifications it has had for our relationship.

My wife has never ceased to amaze me!  She has gone into acceptance mode with a near all-consuming vengeance.  Within set, but broad, parameters I am able to express myself and my sexuality in any manner deemed commensurate with the situation.  As hard as it might be to believe, this has had a immensely liberating effect on me and on our relationship.  What I wasn't prepared for was the fact that my wife is becoming more "gay" than me, and she is unapologetically heterosexual.  While I might have some reservations about being perceived as too gay (a concern that doesn't cross my mind that often, however) she has no problem charging in and doing what she wants.  Example:  The other evening she picked me up from work and we went out for coffee at a Barnes & Noble bookstore.  After chatting for a while over coffee she decided to go look at the gay/lesbian literature selection.  While she was reviewing the various titles I found a nice chair in an out-of-the-way area nearby.  I had noticed that there was another gentleman sitting in the same area and he was obviously gay.  When another lady came back to look for a book for a gay friend of her's this gentleman jumped up and offered to assist her with the proclamation, "I'm a gay man.  I can help you."  Now, its one thing to be running around with a clear, unmistakable tattoo with the six pride colors on your forearm.  It is one thing to indulge yourself by wearing a very pink polo.  It is one thing to "advertise."  It is completely another to make a public display of sexuality.  My wife turned to me with a look of utter disbelief and amazement.  All I could do was bury my head in my hands in an attempt to disguise the fact that I was laughing my ass off at this old fool.  I'm gay.  I admit it.  I don't have to be blatant about it.  I'm "flaming" enough naturally without having to work at it.

Her latest gay-related project is to design and produce identity jewelry with taste, fashion, and class.  She asked what was the general level of pride/identity jewelry on the market currently.  My answer as that there was an absolute paucity of anything really creative and stylish for the most part.  That was all I had to say.  She was off to the internet to research as many gay jewelry sites as she could find, or I could provide.  In no time at all she came to the same conclusion as I.  Her intent is to do jewelry that can be both a statement by incorporating the pride colors  but could just as well be ordinary, every day  jewelry.  I heartily encourage her in this effort.  If anyone can pull it off she most certainly can.  Her first idea is to do necklaces out of leather or cord with discrete pink shell triangles as the center piece.  I am excited by the prospect that she just might have hit on something that can work for her, for the community, and bring in a bit of extra finances in the process.

So, here we are.  My wife and I are still together even though others didn't give this endeavor a ghost of a chance.  I am playing this whole situation on a day by day basis.  Doing otherwise would be begging for disaster.  Am I happy?  Not really.  Am I satisfied?  Fairly.  Am I content?  Very.  And that is the way it is.

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Sunday, August 6th, 2006
9:15 am - Old Dogs And New Tricks - Things I've Recently Learned
I suppose that learning can take place even for this old dog.  Recently, several things have struck me in a kind of "ah ha!" way.  So, I thought I would share them, and in the process try to make some sense out of all these realizations.

1.  Trying to maintain this journal, a blog, and keeping up with an active email correspondence, work, and home is a lot of unsuspected work!  I have always enjoyed writing, finding it a fairly easy endeavor,   However, keeping things fresh and entertaining, as well as honest and informative, has been harder than I initially imagined.  Therefore, in an effort pare down some of these extracurricular activities I decided to end posting to the blog with what became a rather lengthy farewell post.  The amazing thing about that is that the post caught the attention of the author another blog for which I have the greatest degree of respect and he has referred it on to others.  I am pleased and satisfied that someone with better credentials than I thought the blog was sufficiently entertaining and informative to merit the attention of others.  Yet, if I let it this project could become a major part of my day, to the exclusion on many other responsibilities.  I am not ready for that,, not right now.

2.  With the passing of each additional year I find my veneer of civility wearing just that much thinner.  A decreasing level of patience is in there somewhere also.  I have a hard time putting up with unnecessary games and general bull crap that seems to go along with most social encounters today.  Let's get real!  Let's keep it real!  This isn't that easy when the social deck seems to be stacked against it.  Sometimes I feel like a dinosaur that has, somehow, outlived his time.

3.  There isn't a how-to manual for being a gay male and married damn it all!  I will unequivocally state that I am truly amazed by, deeply impressed with, and sincerely grateful to my wife and her tenacity to make this relationship work, even if it requires serious alterations in our relationship so as to take into account those changes necessitated by my "coming out."  I am sure that this is going to be a long term process, if it ever really ends at all.

4.  After much discussion, consultation, and emotion my wife and I have, I believe, come down to the one fundamental, core issue that has hung over us like a dismal cloud from the beginning, and that is ultimately one of trust.  A manifestation of that has been my natural proclivity toward secrecy which was a learned modality for my survival when I was growing up.  My wife, on the other hand, if she believes a person isn't being straight forward and honest with her, as she is with them, she will go into distrust mode and everything comes into question at that point.  A correlative to this has been my tendency to keep those who should be the closest to me at an arm's length.  I have done this as a result of not being able to trust those who I should not to hurt me so, in self defense, have not allowed anyone that close in the hopes of avoiding pain.  While it seemed to be a sound method of operation at the time, it ultimately has caused the one thing it was trying to avoid.

5.  For whatever reason, my wife and I, after many emotionally difficult years, have recently discovered that we are somehow intimately connected on a non-physical level.  She describes it as two trees that have, over the years, grown together to such a point that their trunks, and even their roots, have become so intertwined that to separate them would kill one, or both.  I like to think of this connection as a sort of spiritual umbilical cord that binds us together over space and time.  Within the last month or so it has grown in strength and intensity to the point that we are now able to experience the others emotional state in spite of the fact that we are physically separated and haven't discussed the matter in the least.  It appears that regardless if we are together or not that connection will remain and we are destined to be an integral part of the others life no matter what, whether we want it or not.

I am positive that these aren't the only things I have learned recently, only the most seminal.  These are the ones that stick out as being the most worthy of attention and action.  I am equally sure that there will be others as this life unfolds before me and I will report on them as they occur.  But, for now, this shall have to do.

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Friday, July 21st, 2006
3:51 pm - Seeing Things For The First Time - Again
I suspect that, in all fairness, I should add a note of explanation to yesterday's post.

My wife and I, even though we promised each other we wouldn't get involved in any "heavy" emotional discussions, did just that.  She rightfully wanted to know why I had been in such a miserable mood for the past two days.  I certainly wasn't sure whether or not I was up to another round of this tear jerker dialog.  In spite of my misgiving, I forged ahead, somewhat reluctantly, to explain why I had been in such a miserable frame of mind.

I told my wife that her "meeting" with John, her reaction to him, her estimation of him had come as an unexpected, and therefore unprepared for, punch in the gut.  The emotional ties I had with John forty years had not lessened, but rather had remained strong.  It was the intensity, the fervor of this response that scared me.  I have never been one to allow myself to succumb to the sway of emotions.  Every time I have the situation has ended poorly.  They and I really don't agree.  They are erratic and unpredictable; they are difficult to control;  they frighten me to no end.  I have known this fact for many years which is why I have lived in my head rather than my heart.  The only difficulty with this is that I am an emotional person by nature.  The world is a very dangerous place for emotional people yet we are drawn to it like the proverbial moth to a flame.  We cannot live, thrive, or flourish in the absence of that contact.  That we get hurt, sometimes deeply, sometimes repeatedly, is a small price to pay for the return we get.  What made all this just that much more gut-wrenching was that the only other person who ever knew any of this was now deceased.  I didn't have him to wrap his arms around me and let me melt into him for comfort and security.  That absence hurt more than any recent pain I have suffered - and there have been plenty.

An additional factor in the mix now is that since "coming out" I have found a new (or renewed) sense of personal strength.  I don't feel as vulnerable, socially, psychologically, emotionally.  This has led to certain changes in how I view the world and what I am willing to accept and what I am not.  Yes, the world is still a minefield for emotional people but now I am willing to walk through and trust that I won't set one of these emotion bombs off.  As I explained to my wife, it is all in your POV.

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Thursday, July 20th, 2006
2:39 pm - Mortality Ain't All It Is Cracked Up To Be
Last night my wife and I finally had somewhat of conversation we needed to have earlier in the day.  Invoking, involving, the person I still have such strong feelings of attachment for, and always will, hit on an emotional gut level for which I was not prepared.  I had always known that John and I were connected in a very special way - and it didn't involve biology.  I found that my wife and I are, in some way, similarly joined at the hip.  In fact, I have told her on more than one occasion, that in very real ways she reminded me of John so much that it was frightening.  The immediacy of the pain of missing him, of not having him with me, caught me off guard.  I wanted so much to be in his presence, in his arms, to melt into him again, was almost unbearable.

During our conversation my wife mentioned that she had the pleasure of meeting John.  As I said before, I firmly believe in the existence of another world after this one and that the two can touch if a person is quiet, contemplative, in a state of prayer.  This is how my wife came to know John (and he to meet her).  Granted, I was feeling a little bit more than out-gunned with the two of them as cahoots.  However, what she said about her impressions of John were quite accurate and she could understand why I feel the way I do about him.  I was to the point where my demise would be a blessing: my wife would get her wish for us to be together to the end and I would be able to be with John.  Obviously, that was too good to be true and didn't happen.

My wife is right.  I am an exceptionally  lucky person.  I have had two people in my life who truly and unreservedly love me.  Both these individuals are dear to me beyond words.  I would not like to contemplate the possibility of my actions hurting either one.  Where my wife missed the point wasn't that I didn't want to stay with her.  If that was the case I would have been long gone before now.  I think of myself as an honorable person and that I made the honorable decision when I agreed to stay.  What concerned me was the comment, made more than once, about an angel with a fiery sword coming down and making me "straight" being an item on her wish list.  This didn't signal security to me.  When she realized that I wasn't finding this humorous she assured me, repeatedly, that she was only joking and that it wasn't an item on her wish list.

I admit, readily, to having an in-born knee-jerk reaction of mistrusting women (wonder why?) when it comes to situations as this.  Add in that she is enlisting my former lover I read it all out, no holds barred, open warfare.  I told her that I was trying very hard not to give in to my normal, natural response mechanism, and not see this as just another case of being unable to trust women.  This isn't easy!  What I signed on to do was going to be difficult enough without adding anything else to the mix.  Forget the not having sex with another man (I have maintained a monogamous relationship for 35 years, some times in the face of availability), what has hurt the worst is the not being loved by another male.  I didn't feel that I needed to be punished for my decision - and this was beginning to look a lot like that to me.

I know that I am more than likely making a very big mountain (Himalayas actually) out of a very minuscule mole hill.  This whole situation might be nothing more than a figment of my own imagination, warped and distorted as it is.  I am aware of all this.  This understanding does nothing to ease the pain.  In fact it might just increase it that much more.  It is really a shame when you gage your mortality by the degree of pain you are experiencing at any given moment.

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Wednesday, July 19th, 2006
4:22 pm - Are The Flies Gathering?
I am certainly starting to get nervous about the situation on the home-front.  I knew that my wife was not above fighting less than fair but I was not prepared to the depths she was willing to sink.
The other day she mentioned that she had never engaged in bargaining with The Divine but she had created  a "wish list" and presented to the appropriate authorities.  I do not know if you believe in anything beyond the here and now, what you can sense in some physical fashion.  I do believe that there is something beyond this life.  I also believe that there can be a form of communication between this world and the next.  We can pray for the progress of the deceased and they can pray for us.  One of the items on the wish list was that an angel with a flaming sword visit me during the night and the following morning I would wake up straight.  In spite of the fact that my wife swears that item really wasn't on the wish list it still unsettled me nonetheless.  It was hard for me not to see this as just one more instance of getting oh so close and having the rug pulled out from under me.  I got the real feeling that she has not come to terms with my sexuality, and the consequences thereof.  I was in a terse mood all day yesterday, stewing over what would otherwise be a silly remark.  Whether it was due to my instinctive paranoia, or that there was something to that, I was ill at ease with the thought that we had, somehow, gone back to square one (or maybe one and one half).  Any way you cut it this had all the hallmarks of retrogression, backtracking, turning tail, cut and running.

Yesterday evening, once we got the grand kids in bed and the house relatively quiet, my wife and I had an opportunity to talk.  She swore that it didn't matter if I was gay or straight.  That was not an issue for her.  What was of concern was that I be with her unto the end, hers or mine (whichever comes first).  I can appreciate her concern and have stated on a number of occasions that I had made my choice and we had agreed to abide by it.  All of a sudden I was beginning to think that I had made the wrong choice for all the right reasons or the right choice for all the wrong reasons.  Either way I saw myself as perpetrating the same situation that got us to this point in the first place and I wasn't particularly interested in revisiting it at all.  This realization was surely depressing.  We talked some about my wife's wish list and, again, she was adamant that angels with flaming swords or the demise of either one of us were on the agenda.  She additionally reconfirmed her love for me and her desire that I stay with her.

This morning, while everything was quiet, the grand kids hadn't wakened, and I had finished my bath my wife said that she had enlisted the assistance of someone not in this world.  I had a suspicion that it was the person with whom I had lived lo these many years ago and she confirmed the fact.  Now comes the hurt.  Knowing that I will always have a place in my heart for John my wife informed me that he still was "fond" of me.  This is just so unfair!  To know this and not to be able to do anything about it, to want to look into his emerald eyes just one more time, to feel his touch and be embraced by his hug was more than I could withstand.  My heart was heavier than it had been in a long time.  It was all I could do not to break down from the emotion welling up inside me.  I knew it was abjectly stupid to have such an emotional response after some forty years but here they were, the feelings I had for him then are as strong now.  I also didn't appreciate the fact that my wife had somehow co-opted him to somehow work on her side, if there is a side to work on in the first place.  What my wife doesn't realize, even though she can sense it clearly, is the fact that if this keeps up, and continues to try to scare me, to coerce me, to pray me, or to fuck me straight it is only going to have opposite than the desired effect.  I am sure that she doesn't want this to happen and neither do I.

I truly hope that my wife and I will be able to work this out.  She needs to understand that heterosexual sex doesn't interest me in the least and the simple fact that there is a physiological barrier (i.e. her weight) which makes sex very uncomfortable.  The truth of the matter is that if I had sex with her it would be for her benefit and not mine.  This doesn't mean that I don't love my wife - I do very much!  What it means is that any physical relationship between us will, of necessity, have to be so altered as to accommodate and satisfy both of us, not just one or the other.  I believed we had started down that path but I guess I was mistaken.  I pray that I have not been mistaken about other aspects of this relationship.

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Monday, July 17th, 2006
5:09 pm - Moderation In All Things
I am not inherently a person of balance.  I am, by nature, a person of extremes.  When I get involved in something, be it work or play, I easily become consumed with it until I have satisfied myself that I have done my best to encompass it.  This tends to make for an interesting, but not particularly peaceful, life.  At times is resembled bouncing for pillar to bed post, with me ricocheting from one extreme to the other.

This is most certainly true of the path I have chosen for myself.  I knew it was going to be difficult to balance the demands of wife and family against those of gay friends and my involvement in the local gay community.   I didn't think it was going to be this difficult!  I am finding it more and more difficult to find the necessary time to do what I need to do at the house and what I want to do in the community.  It isn't a matter of working more efficiently.  It is a matter of finding an extra two or three hours in the day.

By Sunday I had worked myself up into a perfect funk.  I had plans on getting with some gay friends and enjoy the time away from the house with people who understood my situation.  They didn't materialize.  It seemed as though everything relating to family conspired against me doing something that I wanted to do and enjoyed.  This is precisely the situation I was afraid was going to happen and had noted so to my wife when we finally came to our agreement.  I want, and need, some time in the gay community.   The community was my family when I needed one the most, and didn't have one.  I have always felt more at ease and comfortable there than anywhere else.  Part of who I am, my personal identity, is integrally tied to the gay community.  It is clearer now than before that this is going to have to become a regular part of my life.  While it might seem that I am giving inordinate amounts of attention to this side of my nature, it really isn't.  Years have passed that I have paid it little or no attention expended in that direction.  Actually, I am just making up for lost time.  Lamentably, in so doing it is causing a degree of discomfort and concern with my wife.  While she has a very good idea of what is going on with me she doesn't have the faintest idea of how I feel.  I don't expect her to either.

Today is a bit better in that I am able to function on some level with other human beings, contrary to yesterday.  I still haven't figured out an answer to this dilemma but I am sure one is out there that won't involve an either/or proposition.  I'll continue looking.

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Friday, July 14th, 2006
2:45 pm - S N A F U
I don't know why I am the least bit surprised.  I was fully aware of the possibility that the other shoe was going to fall, the hair suspending the sword would snap, that the fat lady was going to start singing at any moment.  This is the story of my life - almost but not quite!  Just when I think things are going along just fine, and am becoming comfortable with the situation, someone or something rears it's ugly head to disrupt everything and life is thrown into mindless, directionless chaos one more time.

This time it was not something of my own doing.  When I agreed to stay and my wife stated that she was willing to make concessions and alterations to satisfy both out sexual needs I was fully aware that this was not going to be a long-term arrangement.  She is not the type of person to accept anything of face value.  She has to research the matter to the minutest detail possible.  This was no exception.  Also, I understood that she (and I) were working under a specific set of parameters and whatever we did to alter our physical relationship was going to have consequences, and probably not nice ones, to our arrangement.

According to plan my wife spent the day on the system researching how, or if, our accommodations could be brought in line with the shared parameters within which we are functioning.  Unfortunately, she came to exactly the same understanding about the situation I had.  Regardless of how satisfying the new arrangements were for either one of us they could not be brought into alignment with those shared moral and religious constraints.  In fact, she determined it to be worse than she had imagined after using several on-line dictionaries to define specific terms.

Last night she informed me of what she had done and the end result thereof.  I was truly not surprised about either her doing the investigative work or the results.  What really got to me was the sincerity with which she informed me that she was not happy at all with the outcome.  Several times she apologized for not leaving things alone and going on with life.  I told her that she couldn't do that any more than I could change who I am and that I was not upset with her in the least.  Repeatedly she asked if there was some kind of loophole to crawl through that would allow us to have at least this minimal physical relationship.  I felt it my responsibility, if we were going to build a relationship on truth and honesty, to reinforce the fact that there was no way we could justify what we were doing within the context of our parameters, even if it was effecting me the worst.  I also stated over and over that I was not mad at her and that I would not ask her to do something that would run afoul of these constraints.  I mentioned that I realized that it was bad enough for me to be openly gay and that I didn't want to add insult to injury.  Her question to me was to think about whether or not there was a way around this conundrum that would be mutually satisfying to all concerned.  I promised I would put my mind to it and see if I could come up with some options.

After a really ghastly night's sleep, fitful and restless, I got up exhausted but with options.  It's amazing what the subconscious mind can do when posed with a question and then let alone to work it out for itself.  I really wanted to get some time with my wife to go over what I had identified as possible optional methods of approaching the situation within the confines of our parameters.  Unfortunately, my wife was more interested in talking about how I was going to drug off to a concentration/labor camp for gays to perform hard labor for the military/industrial complex and be a test case for a new HIV/AIDS vaccine that would actually not cure, but kill, everyone to whom it is administered.  Now, I know things are taking a turn for the worse in this country and that there are individuals in power that use the German National Socialist play book.  But I didn't need to go over this territory, and certainly not that early in the morning.  For me anything before Noon is too early.  I am not, by any stretch of the imagination, a morning person!  Until I get my first cup of coffee down I am very much the Old Dragon.  I am sure that the various options I have been able to identify are not sufficiently satisfactory but they do provide a framework for further calibration of the relationship.

The big problem with all this is the simple fact that my wife loves me with all her heart and I do her.  I don't want to cause any more pain or agony than I already have, which is sufficient for one lifetime thank you.  I don't think it is just at all that once my wife and I start to get things together between us, appreciate the other more than ever before, become much more demonstrative in showing affection then this fly in the ointment shows up.  I really didn't know what I was expecting; oh, maybe life going my way for a change.  Too bad!  It isn't.  Situation normal, all f*cked up.  Damn the luck.

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Tuesday, July 11th, 2006
4:33 pm - Into the Future - Darkly
When I started this journal it was for therapeutic reasons.  It was a way to try to make sense out of a situation that seemed senseless, without reason or rationale.  As such it was very beneficial in that it allowed me to have a conversation with myself and with the person I am becoming.  It has allowed me to step back from the immediate what is happening at any moment and to try to put it in perspective, to see how it fit into the bigger picture of my life, to assess the pros and cons.  For this reason the blog has been invaluable in helping me come to terms with a lot of issues and problems I have faced since April, 2005, when I started this process.

Now it has come to a new, different stage as have I.  No longer will it have the same medicinal purpose it once had.  From this point onward I see it more as a running description of my growth as an individual and as one half of a marriage that has withstood the trials and tribulations, the difficulties and dislocations over time.  This is somewhat of a departure from what this blog has been.  I'm well aware of this fact.  Then, recent events have precipitated a radical alteration in how I view myself, my wife, and our relationship.

Prior to last week I was assured that the marriage was winding itself down.  While I didn't appreciate the therapist placing me in a put up or shut up position, I could see what she was doing.  When the situation of the impasse that existed between my wife and I was defined in terms that she wasn't getting what she needed from the relationship and that I deserved to be in a more nurturing environment, one that would allow me to fully become the gay person I knew I was, the only truly honorable course of action (lamentable and difficult as it was going to be) was to end the relationship.  When I accepted the responsibility and did just that, neither my wife or I were completely satisfied with the result.  We both felt worse than when we were at logger heads.  This was not what I planned or intended.  Something was wrong and both of us knew it - just that we couldn't describe or define it.

Last week was nothing short of an emotional train wreck.  My wife and I were doing nothing than causing the other inordinate amounts of pain and agony, even if it was unintentional.  On Wednesday (the 5th) I talked to my wife and found out that she had been upset and crying all day.  At that point I could not tolerate any longer the level of pain I was experiencing or that I was causing.  I went home from work prepared to end the relationship and give my wife a date certain for me to move out on my own.  What awaited me was something I was not prepared to understand or accept.  In bed my wife admitted to the cause of her emotional upset.  She stated that she had thought about the prospect of me not being there and she understood that she didn't want that to happen - ever.  She confessed the fact that she felt that the two of us were somehow connected (like a "spiritual" umbilical cord) from the first day we had met.  She also said that she realized that no matter the problems we have had previously this was the best, safest place for her to be and she did not want to disrupt that situation now.  I was sincerely impressed with the depth of honesty and sincerity my wife displayed.  At that moment I began to believe that there was hope for the relationship yet.

Thursday was a continuation of the conversation we started Wednesday night.  My wife has spent a number of hours out on the computer surfing the Internet, researching information of gay/straight marriages.  It was clear from what she was relating that she had truly done her homework and had gained a better understanding of how I felt and the prospects of the marriage continuing.  By Friday I was suffering from sleep deprivation as we had not been getting to sleep until 2 or 3 AM.  This was not so bad for my wife as she could grab a few hours rest in the afternoon but I had to go to work.  Friday evening we found ourselves without the benefit (or curse) of grandchildren.  My wife suggested we watch a movie and she put in Brokeback Mountain.  This had been an issue between us early on - I wanted to go see it and she didn't.  The movie proved to be emotionally important to each of us but for different reasons.  I saw the story as very sorrowful in that both the leading characters couldn't really come to terms with their own sexuality, sexual orientation, and resolve that in light of current social pressures.  My wife saw it as terribly depressing as it gave the impression that a heterosexual relationship involving a homosexual/bi-sexual person was doomed to divorce.  Again, we were up to the wee hours of the morning discussing the movie.

Saturday I felt that it was time to have one final heart-to-heart discussion with my wife and then inform her of my decision regarding whether I was going to leave or stay.  I intentionally ended up in a park which had been the site of me coming to many a difficult decision.  We had what was really a "come to Jesus" meeting.  I explained my position was that I did not want to end the marriage for the simple reason that above and beyond having achieved, to a certain degree, the "American dream" I had something much more important, something most people spend a lifetime searching for, a person who truly loved me!  I could not see any rational reasoning why I should sacrifice what I had always wanted for the prospect of finding the same level of commitment in a different relationship.  My wife reiterated her position that my sexual orientation was not an issue with her and that she was willing to be liberal about the degree of my involvement with the local gay community and to work on adaptations to our sexual relationship that would encompass and consider my personal preferences.  I stated that with the understanding that I did not know the future and could not guarantee how this relationship would develop, that I would always have sexual feelings for individuals of the same sex, I was in for the long haul and could accept the parameter that everything was acceptable to her up to the point of an extramarital affair.  I reminded her that I had maintained a monogamous relationship for the duration of our marriage and would continue to do so in the future.  My wife accepted what I had to say as an accurate statement of the truth and accepted my pledge to try to work things out to the best of my ability.  I remarked several times how much I was impressed, and amazed, at her ability to be malleable in this situation and to be understanding and accepting of our changed relationship.  I have not felt this close to her in many many years and enjoy the feeling.

In all truth I can't say where this path is going to lead us.  There are so many different, and in some respects, conflicting directions we can go.  All I can say with any degree of surety is that we are going to give this a good run for the money and see what happens.

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Monday, July 3rd, 2006
3:57 pm - The Future - Day 5
If this is the future - it sucks!

It is getting harder and harder to tell one day from the other, everything is beginning to run together in a maelstrom of emotions, sleep deprivation, and the ever-shifting sands of my resolve.  What five days ago seemed to be an assured fact now isn't.  I am rapidly reaching the point of diminishing return and I have still to come to a determination about whether I go or stay.

For the past several days my wife and I have been having the conversation we should have had twenty-five or thirty years ago.  The honesty and truthfulness has not always been easy to hear, for either one of us, but is something that is absolutely necessary if we are to move out of this impasse we have created for ourselves.  It is fearsomely ferocious to realize that the marriage which was contracted three-plus decades ago was, in a real sense, an terrible mistake which we each made for completely different reasons.  It is hard to listen to the one person with whom you have so much intimate history agree with your assessments of some of the fundamental causes of the problem we face currently.  It is even harder to deal with the clear and obvious fact that my wife still loves me (as I do her) and is impassioned in her confessions of her desire that I stay.  How can a person, in good conscience, leave a relationship if the other person says that my absence would be a tantamount and grievous loss?  How can a person, in equal good conscience, turn their back on who and what they inherently are, and what makes them happy?  How can one deal with a loose-loose situation.  Why would one, on the downside of their life, decide to totally desert their current life for one they have no guarantees about?

This is where I find myself.  I know full well that I have been intimately instrumental in creating this situation.  I have put my foot in this one knee deep and now I must figure a methodology for extracting it, without loosing it in the process.  As much as I want one thing I don't want to loose the other in the process.  Seeing that each is mutually exclusive of the other it would take nothing short of divine intervention and a major alteration in the basic laws of nature to make it happen.

The emotional train wreck that our relationship has become has to come to an end.  It is literally killing both my wife and me.  I cannot keep going at this rate - leastwise not long.  We have been talking for three days almost non-stop.  Late into the night, early in the morning, we are talking through the last thirty-five years and what that have meant (and done) to us,  The exchange has been characterized with a degree of honesty rarely achieved before.  This is very much the conversation we should have had thirty-five years ago.  The fact that it has been so delayed doesn't make it any easier though.  If anything, it is harder now than then.  There is so much more to consider, to weigh, to sort through now.  The toll this process has been taking on us is beginning to show quite clearly.  One of the better benefits of all this pain and grief has been the fact that my wife is now seriously researching bi-sexuality in an attempt to better understand my position and what I have been experiencing for all the years of our marriage.

Yes, things have changed, in some respect, but they have also remained amazingly the same.  I know that whichever way I go will involve inordinate pain, grief and loss.  The ultimate question is which option am I going to take and what is the collateral damage attendant thereunto.  I don't have a clear idea which way I am going to go.  I have a general feeling or inclination.  Ultimately, whichever choice I make I will have to be assured that this will finally lead to a sense of joy and happiness, security and satisfaction that I have not truly known for many years.

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Thursday, June 29th, 2006
3:54 pm - The First Day of the Rest of the Future
The deed is done.

The die has been cast.

As of 10:00 AM I did something I never thought possible.  I stepped up to the plate, took my hits, determined that my wife and I had come to an impasse with each of us not moving off the square we are occupying, that neither one of us could in all honesty say the thing that the other needed to hear, and with a heart weighted with sorrow pulled the plug on a marriage of thirty-five years.  

This was not the outcome I had anticipated and wanted.  I did not start this process of "becoming" just to trash everything, and everyone, I knew and cared for.  I was not intending to start over at this late date.  This was not to be.

The therapist accurately noted that my wife needed to have a stable relationship with a person who is completely transparent and I needed to be in an environment in which I can live my life in honesty and dignity as a gay male.  We have had enough difficulty over the years just communicating, forget trust and respect.  To ask either one of us, at this particular moment, fraught with anger, frustration, distrust as it is, to be or create an environment conducive to the growth and development of the other is unrealistic.  Maybe at a later date, with some time and distance between us, we will be able to do this for each other.

Right now I need to relearn how to live.  I need to find myself, to become reintroduced to myself, to learn to love myself so I can love others.

There is just a welter of things - little things, big things, important things, trivial things, downright insignificant things - that need to be done.  It is staggering at all the details that need be addressed and resolved.  As a very good friend keeps reminding me - baby steps, baby steps.  According to him I need to learn how to crawl first then talk about running a marathon later.  He's so right!  Baby steps.  Baby steps.  Baby steps.

Today is the beginning of the rest of my life as who and what I want to be.  Failure is not an option.  Everything is going to be all right.  I shall succeed.  (Just right now success really hurts!)

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Wednesday, June 28th, 2006
4:44 pm - The End of the Long and Winding Road
After it is all said and done, after all the shouting, cursing, recriminations, after the fat lady sings, the simple fact remains that even though I do not have any animosity or outright hatred toward my wife I can no longer live with her.  It has become a matter of living the two lives she accuses me of having.  This seems counter-productive to my stated goal of trying to become a whole person once again - if that's possible.
The situation is one that my wife and I are two people that cannot communicate with each other without invoking a plethora preconceived notions and prejudices.  We have reached the impasse - I am not able to say the thing she wants (for me to once and for all to remove the possibility of leaving from the table) because she can't or won't tell me what the ground rules of the relationship are going to be.  I am not going to buy into a relationship for another twenty years that is nothing more than a continuation of the last thirty.  Without assurances that things are going to change between us, and change in substantial ways, I am hesitant to remove that option.
An additional factor in this confusion was that yesterday I was surfing CNN.com and came across a slide show of the Pride festivities in New York, San Francisco, Chicago, and Atlanta.  While it was interesting, and as outrageous as I knew it would be.  What caught my attention was in the middle of all the flamboyance there was a photograph of two men, standing at the curb, hugging.  At that moment I felt a wave of sadness pass over me and I asked myself why that couldn't be me.  The more I questioned myself, looking for reasons why it shouldn't be me, the sadder I became.  I knew, once and for all, that I wanted it to be me.

Tomorrow will not be easy for either of us.  I have been avoiding, postponing, equivocating, mincing, and outright sitting on the fence.  None of that is now acceptable.  I have come to terms (at least initially) with who I am and have become comfortable with that person.  I now have to act, and act in a decisive way.  Therefore, tomorrow I shall inform my wife that our marriage of thirty-five years has reached an end.  

God help us all!  God be merciful to me.





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